Ojamajo Doremi School Survival Guidebook
by S.P.D. Gold Ranger
Summary: In this parody of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, Nick, Doremi, and Momoko give us their tips on how to survive the craziness of middle school and whatever else lurks about in Misora Junior High. My first parody, so be nice when you review!
1. Surviving the First Day

Disclaimer: As always, I don't own _Ojamajo Doremi_ OR _Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide_, which this story is a parody of. They belong to Toei Animation and Nickelodeon, respectively. You may not use my characters (Nick Kelly, Haruka Reisei, and Ichiyou Kitakaze) in your own stories unless you have my permission. If you would like to use Nick, Haruka, or Ichiyou in your stories, just email me and I'll consider it. Just don't make them look bad, okay?

(The opening sequence begins. The opening song is "Honjama Ojamajo Daishugo" by the MAHO-dou.)

Reika Tamaki can be seen posing, but suddenly, she's hit in the back of the head by a paper airplane, and she falls down. Kotake laughs crazily (apparently he's the one who threw the paper airplane), but he quickly gasps and crouches, just barely avoiding a charging tackle from Marina. We also see the SOS Trio performing their signature pose, but Doremi walks up and whacks them upside the head.

We now pan over to Nick, who's in his seat, writing something down on a piece of paper. He notices the camera, and looks towards the screen at the viewers.

"Yes, this is middle school for you," Nick states. "My friends and I are witch apprentices, but even that doesn't stop us from having a wacky middle school life."

(Footage: The sun rises over Misora Junior High.)

Nick: In a world dominated by bullies, insane teachers and absolutely freaky school lunches...

(Footage: Nick gets slammed into his locker by a rather burly-looking kid. Afterwards, Nishizawa-sensei can be seen laughing quite loudly, but no one in her class seems amused. After this, Nick looks at his lunch, which is suddenly moving. Nick quickly brings out his Jewelry Poron and slams it into his lunch repeatedly.)

Nick: Nick Kelly -- that's me -- and my friends Doremi Harukaze and Momoko Asuka try to do the impossible: create a guide to help you guys out there survive middle school yourself.

(Footage: We see the profile pictures of Nick, Doremi, and Momoko appear on screen as Nick talks about his plan.)

(Footage: We see screens of random footage with Nick's tips written under the screen. First up is "Tip 234.tt, Do whatever you can to stay awake." Nick is holding up a soccer horn, and he blasts it loudly, causing everyone in class 8-C to jerk out of their sleepy state.)

(Footage: The second tip is "Tip 187C, Use magic only as a last resort." Doremi can be seen casting her spell, only to have Kotake deflect it, the magical energy turning Doremi's arm into a snake. She screams and runs away.)

(Footage: The third tip is "Tip 982BT, Don't get crushed by a crush." Nick notices two girls giving romantic waves to him. Just beside Nick, Momoko looks incredibly jealous.)

Nick: Because, trust me on this one: middle school is incredibly freaky and unpredictable.

(Footage: Three screens of Nick. The middle screen shows Nick performing his witch apprentice pose from _Diamond and Pearl_. The left screen shows him doing a cartwheel in gym class and giving a victory sign upon finishing. The right screen shows Nick waving to someone, only to run smack into an open locker door and fall straight to the ground. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Takeshi Kusao as Nick".)

(Footage: Three screens of Doremi. The middle screen shows Doremi clapping her hands during her _Motto!_ transformation. The left screen shows a fantasy of her just about to kiss Kotake. The right screen shows Doremi twirling her wand around in her hands. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Chiemi Chiba as Doremi".)

(Footage: Three screens of Momoko. The middle screen shows Momoko spinning during her _Dokkan_ transformation. The left screen shows Momoko at the front of an English class, talking about something. The right screen shows Momoko playfully slapping Nick across the face. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Nami Miyahara as Momoko".)

(Footage: We now see another screen with Hana-chan performing a silly dance, with Nick and Momoko shaking their heads in frustration in the background. Under the screen, it says "Featuring Ikue Ohtani as Hana-chan".)

(Footage: Nick can be seen surfing across an imaginary water wave on a star-patterned surfboard. Under the screen, we see the text "Executive Producer: Izumi Todo". Shift screens to another picture that shows Nick, Doremi, and Momoko scrambling to deflect a volleyball serve, only to crash into each other. The text under this screen says "Produced by Toei Animation".)

(Footage: Shift screens to show Nick, Doremi, and Momoko in a group hug. Under the scene, we can see the text "In Guidebook We Trust".)

Nick: It's the _Ojamajo Doremi School Survival Manual_!

(Footage: The show's logo, with the text "Ojamajo Doremi: Chuugaku Sanzon Shiori", which basically translates to "Ojamajo Doremi: Middle School Survival Guidebook", appears onscreen.)

Nick (whispering quickly): Your results may vary.

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Author's Note: For once, I decided not to do my usual introduction, just because I want to start this as quickly as I can. This is based off of the Nickelodeon show "Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide", only with _Ojamajo Doremi_-style elements. So, basically, it's my first attempt at a humorous-slash-parody story, and I may not be too experienced with it, so don't flame if I sound like an idiot. Needless to say, this story is going to have quite a bit of fourth-wall breaking. This goes by the idea that Nick, Doremi, and Momoko have known each other almost their whole life, and that Nick and Momoko stuck around Misora after _Ojamajo Doremi Dokkan_. Alternate continuity and all that. And don't worry about the others. While Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are the main stars, the other Ojamajos _will_ be making appearances. Also, the characters may seem OOC, but that's just for the purpose of this story. It IS a parody, after all.

Japanese terms used in today's episode:

_Okaa-sama: _mother

_Agepan:_ Fried bread, similar to doughnuts

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It's the first day of the school year at Misora Junior High. The camera focuses on Nick Kelly as he walks in. He stares at the camera while Doremi Harukaze, wearing a rather stuffed backpack, walks alongside Nick.

"It's the first day of school," Nick says to the audience. "And it can be quite frightening. But the key to survival is if you're ready..."

We shift over to Doremi, who begins wobbling around, trying to support herself under the weight of her large backpack, but is ultimately unsuccessful, falling straight to the ground.

"...or not," Nick finishes, giving Doremi an odd look. She gave an embarrassed laugh.

Nick helps Doremi up and addresses the audience again. "So avoid _overstuffing_ your backpack. It's dangerous, and it gives you that 'helpless turtle' look."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 543.1d: Avoid overstuffing backpack.")

Nick pats Doremi on the shoulder, but this sends her off balance, causing her to fall straight to the ground again.

"This is why I asked _okaa-sama_ to let me have a messenger bag. BUT DOES SHE LISTEN?!" Doremi exclaims.

Cut to Nick walking around a nearby corner. He addresses the audience again. "And if you want to get a new 'do, get it two weeks early. This will give it a chance to grow in."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 6d.57: Get a new haircut two weeks early.")

Nick points to Marina Koizumi, who flips her long, silky hair about.

"But be careful. The 'last-minute Mom job', as Momoko calls it, can give you an unwanted nickname for life."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #736M: Avoid the last minute Mom-job.")

Nick points to Susumu Yanagida, whose hair looks like a loaf of _agepan_ bread (just for this episode). He suddenly notices a bunch of older kids giving him evil-looking glares.

"Hey, it's '_agepan_-head'," one of the older boys states. Susumu lets out a squeal of fear, and begins running away.

"Get him!" the same older boy states, his group chasing after Susumu. Nick shakes his head in exasperation.

"And remember," Nick continues with his tips, "September is still summer, so hold off on wearing the latest fall fashions and heavy coats."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #45 point 7: September equals Summer.")

The scene switches to Doremi, who walks up wearing a heavy-looking pink winter coat. "Hey, Kellysi-chan! Look at this new coat!!"

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #45 point 7 continued: AVOID HEAVY COATS.")

Nick shakes his head in exasperation. "Doremi-chan, did you take fashion advice from Poppu-chan again?"

(Footage: The title card appears on screen, with a composition book bearing the show logo. At the bottom of the composition book, there's a blank space. Just then, a pen can be seen writing the words "Survival Guide to the First Day". The text is then replaced by the words "Directed by Izumi Todo".)

Episode 1: Nick's Survival Guide to The First Day

Nick looks at Doremi with an odd look. "Doremi-chan, take that coat off before you get heatstroke!"

"No way!" Doremi shot back, adding the next sentence in a sort-of sultry tone. "The boys dig the fluffy coats."

She does a pose towards nearby boys, who can't help but laugh. Doremi then turns back to Nick, holding her hand out.

"Schedule, Nick, SCHEDULE," Doremi states, demanding to see Nick's schedule, which he quickly produced for his friend. She compared the schedule to her own.

"Let's see... study hall together, YES!" Doremi exclaimed. "Lunch we have together, YES!! Gym class we have together..."

Doremi stopped on a dime. "NO!!!"

Nick couldn't help but laugh. He turns back to the audience. "And remember, the middle school system _will_ separate you from your best friends, but you can use electives to stick together at least once. So plan ahead, and pick the same classes. It's simple."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #305F: Stay together with electives.")

"Electives... ART CLASS TOGETHER!!" Doremi exclaimed. "Just you, me, and..."

Nick and Doremi turn around and notice their friend Momoko Asuka walking up.

"MOMOKO!!" Nick and Doremi exclaim.

"Hey, guys," Momoko stated, only to have Doremi snatch her schedule. This made Momoko look a bit embarrassed. "Um, guys, I forgot to tell you... I took cooking class instead of art."

This caused Nick and Doremi to look at the blonde American in shock. "What?" Nick exclaimed. "It was _your_ idea that we take art class to stay together!"

"We made a team so we could have one class together!" Doremi continued. "The three of us? Together? Best friends? TOGETHER?!"

Momoko suddenly looked sad, until she noticed what Doremi was wearing.

"Take off that coat, Doremi-chan. You're going to get heatstroke."

Doremi grinned. "Like it?"

Momoko tried to think of something to say. "Yeah... it's fluffy..."

"Look, FORGET THE COAT!!" Nick exclaimed, cutting right to the point. "We've had classes together since the first grade, and now we won't even have one elective together? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

Nick wished he didn't have to yell at his girlfriend. He loved her dearly, but there were a few times where she had been... well, he didn't want to say _what _exactly. Besides, this was a kid's show... right?

"Look, it's not what you think," Momoko quickly explained. "I know we've been friends since kindergarten, but... I figured it was time I add a 'best girlfriend' to the list. Someone with whom I can talk about clothes, secrets... boys."

Nick and Doremi stared at Momoko for a few seconds. The blonde American looked exasperated. "Braiding hair?" she quickly added.

"Oh, oh! I can braid hair!" Doremi exclaimed.

"Don't admit that," Nick and Momoko shot back at the same time. Momoko quickly zoomed towards her locker.

Doremi suddenly grabbed Nick by the shoulders and shook him hard. "Kellysi-chan! We HAVE to get into Momoko's cooking class! I can't bear to be separated from her!!"

"Neither can I, Doremi-chan. I mean, Momoko's my GIRLFRIEND, for god's sake," Nick continued. "But I think I may know what to do. Get in the closet!"

Doremi looked shocked for a second at what Nick was implying, but her shocked face quickly shifted into a smile as she understood. She and Nick quickly stuffed themselves into the nearby janitor's closet. Doremi looked up, disgusted at what she could smell.

"Kellysi-chan, can we do this QUICK? I don't like the smell of this place," Doremi admitted.

"Hold on, Doremi-chan, I'll be done in a second," Nick replied, bringing out his Shining Poron and twirling it around.

"_Asobu soba de sakiyaki sore! Transfer me and Doremi-chan into Momoko's cooking class!!"_

_Somewhere in the administrator's office..._

On the school administrator's computer, two of the names on the cooking class list were replaced with Nick and Doremi's names. Mission complete? I don't think so...

_Back in the closet..._

"Okay, we're good," Nick stated, pocketing his wand.

"All right, let's get out of here," Doremi replied. "We just have to make sure Momo-chan doesn't realize we switched our classes until at least 2:15. That way, it'll be too late for her to switch out of cooking class."

Nick had to fight down a laugh. Doremi had definitely gotten a bit smarter since she and the old gang had first become witch apprentices. Nick gazed towards the audience again.

"See, being magical _does_ have its advantages sometimes," Nick stated to the audience.

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_Lunch period, class 7-B..._

Momoko, who had finally collected a decent lunch (that she knew she wouldn't have to beat down with her wand later), sat down by Nick and Doremi at the table closest to the lunch line.

"So, you guys aren't upset about me ditching you for art class?" Momoko asked.

"Of course not, Momoko. How could I ever stay mad at you?" Nick replied.

Suddenly, the two of them noticed Doremi not having much luck with trying to take a bite of her hot dog, as her heavy coat was getting in the way.

"TAKE OFF THAT COAT!!" Nick and Momoko exclaimed.

Doremi tried once more, but quickly gave up, setting her hot dog down on the plate. "Aw, forget it! I'll just eat in cooking class!"

Nick quickly slammed his foot onto Doremi's, signaling that the pink witch apprentice just said something she shouldn't have, but it was too late.

"You guys _switched_ into my cooking class?" Momoko quickly exclaimed.

"It was Kellysi-chan's idea!" Doremi hastily pointed out.

"WHAT?! Doremi-chan, don't pin this on me! You were the one who suggested the switch!!" Nick shot back.

"Look, look, I need some time to figure this out," Momoko stated, standing up and walking towards the nearby double doors. "_Don't_ follow me."

As Momoko walked off, Doremi tried getting out of her seat, only to be stopped by Nick.

"Don't, Doremi-chan!"

A couple seconds passed.

"Okay, now!"

With that, the two stormed off. Nearby, Kotake himself had been staring at Doremi the whole time. "I really liked that coat..." he said to himself.

_(Eyecatch: Doremi twirls a volleyball in her hands. Grinning widely, she serves it. The camera focuses on Momoko, who tenses herself up. When the volleyball gets close enough, Momoko leaps into the air and spikes it hard. The ball flies off the screen and we hear an impact, followed by a crash. Doremi and Momoko quickly rush over, where it's revealed that Nick had been hit by the rampaging volleyball. Momoko looks quite concerned, but Nick gives a thumbs-up, signifying he's all right. Momoko sighs in relief. The picture flips to show the Ojamajo Doremi: School Survival Guidebook show logo.)_

About a half-hour later, we focus on Wood Shop class, one of Momoko's classes. Momoko exits the class, looks around for her companions, and smiles, seeing no sign of them. She walks away for a few seconds. Just then, a nearby locker opens, and Nick comes out of it, pulling Doremi by the sleeve, but her heavy coat has gotten her quite stuck. After a couple pulls, Doremi pops free, and the two crash to the ground, sending papers flying everywhere. Once the two get up, Nick looks over at the retreating Momoko.

"So, she's trying to pull the old Wood Shop switcheroo on us," Doremi stated. "You know what to do, Nick?"

Nick subsequently nods. Just then...

"No, I don't..."

"Use your spell to switch us into Wood Shop! DOY!"

Nick quickly shook his head. "Oh, no, no, no. YOU do it this time, Doremi-chan!"

Doremi sighed, bringing out her own Shining Poron after checking to make sure the coast was clear. _"Pirika pirilala poporina peperuto! Switch us into wood shop!!"_

Suddenly, the diamond-shaped energy ball created by Doremi's spell exploded into hundreds of light particles, the pressure wave knocking Doremi to the ground.

"What happened, Doremi-chan?"

"I think the class is full!" the pink witch apprentice stated. Nick quickly shook his head before turning back to the audience.

"No class is ever _full,_" Nick states to the audience. "It just reaches 'capacity'."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #320A: No class is ever full.")

"And if you want to get in, all you need is teacher approval and a decent speech," Nick continues addressing the viewers.

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #320B: Get teacher approval.")

_In Nishizawa-sensei's wood shop room..._

"We got lost in a sea of electives and followed our stomachs, not our hearts," Nick explained to Nishizawa-sensei, putting on his best dramatic voice. Nishizawa-sensei looked a little confused. "Cooking class isn't our passion, it's wood-shop! We LOVE wood! Ash, balder, cedar!"

"Drift!" Doremi added.

Nishizawa-sensei gave a devious smile. "Oh, yeah? You love it THIS MUCH?" she asked, picking up a hammer and slamming it down onto her index finger. Nick and Doremi screamed quite loudly, quieting down when they noticed that their teacher wasn't screaming in pain.

Suddenly, Nishizawa-sensei laughed spryly. "It's prosthetic! A fake!" she exclaimed. "I lost this finger building the birdhouse of '92. Do you know why I showed you two that?"

Doremi whimpered. "Because you're insane?"

"Not even close," Nishizawa-sensei. "It's because wood shop class isn't about wood in the slightest. It's about conquering fear... _with_ wood!"

Nick and Doremi stared on as Nishizawa-sensei continued her little speech. "If you conquer your fears, there's nothing you can't do."

Nick put on his best dramatic façade. "Fear is truly a disease, Nishizawa-sensei, but what's the cure?"

That clinched it. "You're in!" Nishizawa-sensei exclaimed.

"But what about me?" Doremi asked.

"ESPECIALLY you, Doremi-chan," Nishizawa-sensei continued. "Anyone who can wear a coat _that_ fluffy must love torture! So, I'll see you at 2:15?"

"Right! 2:15!" Doremi exclaimed. "We'll be there! Cool, calm, and collected!"

(Author's Note: Ah, the wacky Nishizawa-sensei...)

_2:14 PM, before wood shop class..._

At the nearby lockers, Nick can be seen tying Doremi's coat strings to two locker handles. Doremi, however, doesn't look too good...

"So hot... burning..." was all Doremi could get out. Nick stared daggers at her.

"I _told you_ to take off that coat!!" Nick exclaimed.

Doremi struggled to say "Guys... dig... fluffy..."

"Hey, guys!" Momoko stated, walking up to the two.

"So, Momoko, are you ready for... _woodshop?_" Nick asked, placing his protective goggles over his face.

Momoko looked confused. "Woodshop? I'm not taking woodshop."

This caused Nick to gasp in surprise.

"There's not a single girl in that class, plus we have that nutjob Nishizawa-sensei," Momoko continued.

Nick quickly tried pointing something out. "You went in to sign up! WE SAW YOU!"

"I wanted to trick you," Momoko stated with a giggle. "Then, I went to sign up for an elective that I'm not going to tell you. Good, huh?"

"_Very _good," Nick admitted.

Momoko looked up at the clock. It read somewhere close to 2:15. "And, look... it's too late for you to change. Bye," the blonde American stated with a devious giggle.

This caused Nick to panic. "WE still have thirty seconds! Doremi, quickly, transfer us into Momoko's new class!"

"NO! I don't think so!" Doremi shot back. "YOU do it this time!"

"Well, Mom did say it was good to take turns..." Nick admitted, bringing out his Shining Poron. _"Asobu soba de sakiyaki sore! Sign us up for Momoko's new class!!"_

A swirl of magic surrounded the two witch apprentices and quickly transported them to their new class.

Doremi had to fight back a growl. "You transferred us to life science class?!"

"It was the only one open," Nick shot back. "What the heck was I supposed to do?"

"Wait. Where the heck _is_ Momo-chan?" Doremi asked.

"You mean Asuka-san?" the teacher, Yukishiro Kayami, asked. "I had to turn her away. I felt bad about it, but I told her to embrace life's surprises."

"YOU TRANSFERRED MOMO-CHAN OUT?!" Doremi screamed, fainting right on the spot. Nick shook his head in exasperation, which he had seemed to be doing a lot today.

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Momoko, who had actually signed up for woodshop class after all, was spinning the wheel for the pressure gadget. (Author's Note: I forgot what the name of that gadget was. If anyone knows, please enlighten me.)

Just then, Nishizawa-sensei walked up. "Okay, guys... and girl," she stated, referring to Momoko, who was currently the only girl in the woodshop class.

"Girls in woodshop... that's a first," Nishizawa-sensei noted.

"I was going to try life science, but I'm liking this," Momoko admitted. Unbeknownst to her, Nishizawa-sensei had placed her hand right under the drill thing, and Momoko hadn't noticed until it was too late. She gasped in shock.

"That... that's a first, too," Nishizawa-sensei stated, the incident with her hand apparently not bothering her at all.

_In the hallways..._

Doremi, STILL in her heavy, fluffy coat (Nick had to admit it _was_ quite fluffy) had just been wheeled out into the hallways on a stretcher by two doctors.

"Get the coat off!" one of the doctors exclaimed.

"But the zippers fused from the heat!!" the other exclaimed. Nick walked up and addressed the audience again.

"I'll say this," Nick stated to the viewers. "If there's ANYTHING we've learned about surviving the first day, it's to _leave the fluffy coats at home._"

Suddenly, two more officials wheeled in Nishizawa-sensei on another stretcher, but she looked fine. The only thing was, she had a screw through her hand, but she kept insisting "It's just a scratch! GET ME OFF THIS STRETCHER!!" while flailing her arms around.

Nick stared at Momoko. "I think Doremi had a heat stroke."

Momoko stared back. "I think I drilled a hole in Nishizawa-sensei."

Nick addressed the audience again while putting his arm around Momoko, who gladly returned the gesture. "And even though Momoko and I didn't share one class together, our friendship was going to survive."

"We'll have to cut it off!" one of Doremi's doctors exclaimed.

"WHAT?!" Nishizawa-sensei exclaimed.

"Not you, this girl's coat zipper," the doctor responded.

Once Doremi and Nishizawa-sensei (against her will, of course) had been loaded into the ambulance waiting outside, one of the doctors shouted, "Fire up the saw!"

"NO!!" Doremi exclaimed from inside the ambulance. "IT'S MY COAT!!"

Nick stared at Momoko before addressing the viewers one more time. "So, I guess the only way to be REALLY ready for the first day... is to realize that _no one's_ ready," Nick explained.

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip #503.B: Be ready for surprises. DON'T PANIC!!")

Just then, the buzzing of the saw got louder, and chunks of foam and fuzz came flying from the open ambulance doors, along with Doremi's panicked screaming.

"NO!! GUYS DIG FLUFFY!!!" the pink witch apprentice screamed.

Nick looked at the audience again. "And finally, again, _don't wear the fluffy coat!!_"

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 685HC: Don't wear the fluffy coat!")

"You think we should help her?" Momoko asked her lover.

"_Let's_," Nick stated, the two of them drawing their wands.

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(Ending sequence begins. Song is "Kimi no Soba De (Junior Players Version)" by Chiemi Chiba, Nami Miyahara, and Takeshi Kusao. Yes, this version is exclusively for this story. I thought it would be cute!)

(Footage: We see flashes of Nick, Doremi, and Momoko in various poses as the sequence begins.)

_My proud watch shines in pink  
__(Pinku ni kagayaku jiman no pokecchi)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are sitting together on the roof of Misora Junior High. The sun is setting and the wind is gently blowing.)

_When you are lost, toss a coin  
__(Mayoutta tokini wa koin tosu wo shite)_

(Footage: Nick looks at Momoko, letting his arm rest around her. Momoko smiles brightly. Suddenly, Doremi squeals and playfully tackles Nick, knocking him off camera. Momoko shakes her head.)

_I'm always looking straight ahead...  
__(Itsudemo massugu mae wo mitsumeteru)  
__I can become stronger, when I am at your side, I can become your strength.  
__(Tsuyoku nareru kimi no soba de chikara ni nareru)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko can be seen running at full speed down a nearby sidewalk on the way to the junior high. After a while, Doremi runs up and taps Nick on the shoulder, hearts in her eyes. Nick notices and starts running faster, passing by Momoko. Doremi quickly speeds up and follows Nick, leaving an exasperated Momoko to catch up.)

_Rather than saying "Do your best"...  
__("Ganbare" tte iuyori)  
__I want to tell you that "it's okay".  
__("Daijoubu" tte tsutaetai)_

(Footage: Nick and Momoko are sitting down at their desks in art class, drawing to their heart's content.)

_If you believe in your courage then Go, Go, GO!  
__(Shinjiru yuuki areba GO, GO, GO!)_

(Footage: Doremi is dragging Nick towards a poster on a nearby brick wall that says "TALENT CONTEST THIS SATURDAY!!" Apparently, she wants to sign up. During the "Go, Go, GO!" part of the song, Nick, Doremi, and Momoko jump into the sky, striking poses.)

_If it's with you, Yeah!  
__(Kimito nara Yeah!)_

(Footage: Nick gives a thumbs up, and then can be seen swinging a baseball bat with all his strength.)

_Together we'll Step!  
__(Isshoni STEP!)_

(Footage: Doremi winks at the camera, and then can be seen twirling her wand.)

_With a big Jump!  
__(Ookiku JUMP!)_

(Footage: Momoko gives a romantic wave, and then can be seen performing the long jump at a school field day.)

_Maybe you can fly there!  
__(Tobikoete yukeru darou)  
__I'm not afraid of any kind of mountain or valley...  
__(Donna yama mo donna tani mo kowaku naisa)_

(Footage: At the school talent show, Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are in a band, performing along with the song. Nick is singing, Doremi is playing drums, and Momoko is playing the guitar.)

_With everyone Yeah!  
__(Minna de Yeah!)_

(Footage: Nick gives a thumbs up, and then can be seen lashing out at a karate opponent with a flying kick.)

_Together we'll Step!  
__(Isshoni STEP!)_

(Footage: Doremi winks at the camera, and then can be seen slapping Kotake across the face. Apparently, he was being a little pervert.)

_For tomorrow we'll Jump!  
__(Ashita he JUMP!)_

(Footage: Momoko gives a romantic wave, and then can be seen striking a dramatic cord on her guitar. She has an excited look on her face.)

_Feel the moment right now...  
__(Ima sugu syuunkan kanjite)  
__Let's run, Let's ride on the wind  
__(hashiri dasou kazeni notte)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are running along the background of a beautiful rising sun behind an immense mountain.)

_Let's get stronger!  
__(Motto tsuyoku!!)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko can be seen in a group hug with the entire Misora Junior High class watching as we fade out.)


	2. Surviving the Bus

Disclaimer: As always, I don't own _Ojamajo Doremi_ OR _Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide_, which this story is a parody of. They belong to Toei Animation and Nickelodeon, respectively. You may not use my characters (Nick Kelly, Haruka Reisei, and Ichiyou Kitakaze) in your own stories unless you have my permission. If you would like to use Nick, Haruka, or Ichiyou in your stories, just email me and I'll consider it. Just don't make them look bad, okay?

Note: I know, I know. This is LONG overdue. Don't constantly remind me, okay?

(The opening sequence begins. The opening song is "Honjama Ojamajo Daishugo" by the MAHO-dou.)

Reika Tamaki can be seen posing, but suddenly, she's hit in the back of the head by a paper airplane, and she falls down. Kotake laughs crazily (apparently he's the one who threw the paper airplane), but he quickly gasps and crouches, just barely avoiding a charging tackle from Marina. We also see the SOS Trio performing their signature pose, but Doremi walks up and whacks them upside the head.

We now pan over to Nick, who's in his seat, writing something down on a piece of paper. He notices the camera, and looks towards the screen at the viewers.

"Yes, this is middle school for you," Nick states. "My friends and I are witch apprentices, but even that doesn't stop us from having a wacky middle school life."

(Footage: The sun rises over Misora Junior High.)

Nick: In a world dominated by bullies, insane teachers and absolutely freaky school lunches...

(Footage: Nick gets slammed into his locker by a rather burly-looking kid. Afterwards, Nishizawa-sensei can be seen laughing quite loudly, but no one in her class seems amused. After this, Nick looks at his lunch, which is suddenly moving. Nick quickly brings out his Jewelry Poron and slams it into his lunch repeatedly.)

Nick: Nick Kelly -- that's me -- and my friends Doremi Harukaze and Momoko Asuka try to do the impossible: create a guide to help you guys out there survive middle school yourself.

(Footage: We see the profile pictures of Nick, Doremi, and Momoko appear on screen as Nick talks about his plan.)

(Footage: We see screens of random footage with Nick's tips written under the screen. First up is "Tip 234.tt, Do whatever you can to stay awake." Nick is holding up a soccer horn, and he blasts it loudly, causing everyone in class 8-C to jerk out of their sleepy state.)

(Footage: The second tip is "Tip 187C, Use magic only as a last resort." Doremi can be seen casting her spell, only to have Kotake deflect it, the magical energy turning Doremi's arm into a snake. She screams and runs away.)

(Footage: The third tip is "Tip 982BT, Don't get crushed by a crush." Nick notices two girls giving romantic waves to him. Just beside Nick, Momoko looks incredibly jealous.)

Nick: Because, trust me on this one: middle school is incredibly freaky and unpredictable.

(Footage: Three screens of Nick. The middle screen shows Nick performing his witch apprentice pose from _Diamond and Pearl_. The left screen shows him doing a cartwheel in gym class and giving a victory sign upon finishing. The right screen shows Nick waving to someone, only to run smack into an open locker door and fall straight to the ground. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Takeshi Kusao as Nick".)

(Footage: Three screens of Doremi. The middle screen shows Doremi clapping her hands during her _Motto!_ transformation. The left screen shows a fantasy of her just about to kiss Kotake. The right screen shows Doremi twirling her wand around in her hands. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Chiemi Chiba as Doremi".)

(Footage: Three screens of Momoko. The middle screen shows Momoko spinning during her _Dokkan_ transformation. The left screen shows Momoko at the front of an English class, talking about something. The right screen shows Momoko playfully slapping Nick across the face. Under all three screens, on a piece of loose-leaf paper, we can see the text "Nami Miyahara as Momoko".)

(Footage: We now see a scene with Hazuki reading one of her math books, only to have Aiko come up and shake her silly. Under the screen, it says "Featuring Tomoko Akiya as Hazuki".)

(Footage: Nick can be seen surfing across an imaginary water wave on a star-patterned surfboard. Under the screen, we see the text "Executive Producer: Izumi Todo". Shift screens to another picture that shows Nick, Doremi, and Momoko scrambling to deflect a volleyball serve, only to crash into each other. The text under this screen says "Produced by Toei Animation".)

(Footage: Shift screens to show Nick, Doremi, and Momoko in a group hug. Under the scene, we can see the text "In Guidebook We Trust".)

Nick: It's the _Ojamajo Doremi School Survival Manual_!

(Footage: The show's logo, with the text "Ojamajo Doremi: Chuugaku Sanzon Shiori", which basically translates to "Ojamajo Doremi: Middle School Survival Guidebook", appears onscreen.)

Nick (whispering quickly): Your results may vary.

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We open this episode near the bus stop. A few girls from Misora Junior High can be seen waiting there, but all of a sudden, Momoko comes rushing up, nearly knocking Nick over on the way.

"YES!! I'm the first in line!" Momoko exclaimed. "I've gotta get a good seat so Faymen will sit next to me!"

This got Nick a little confused. "What's so great about Faymen Phorchun?" Nick responded. (Author's Note: Get the pun?)

Momoko sighed loftily as she began explaining. "He's like an undiscovered gem. And if he sits next to me on the bus today, I'll know he likes me. It's like a love test..."

"Speaking of love tests..." Nick replied. "Yesterday, I tucked a surprise emotional note in Hazuki-chan's locker."

Nick grinned triumphantly, but Momoko somehow saw a flaw in that little plan. "You two haven't been going out that long. It's kind of early to be getting emotional."

Nick's triumphant grin quickly faded. "It is?"

"I guess it's okay. It's not like you told her you LOVED her. That would REALLY freak her out," Momoko stated. Nick's expression quickly shifted to "scared".

"It would?!"

Momoko turned to her childhood friend. "Um, doy? NOTHING ruins a relationship like saying 'I love you' too soon. That's like picking out a wedding cake on the first date."

Nick began looking around nervously. He didn't like where this was going.

"And you wrote 'I love you' in the note, didn't you?"

That clinched it. Nick grabbed Momoko by the shoulders and shook her. HARD.

"I have to get that note out before Hazuki-chan reads it!!"

Nick released Momoko and tried to calm himself down. "Shouldn't be a problem. As long as the bus is on time and we get there first."

Just then, the bus came by. Just as Nick had expected.

Unfortunately, the bus driver came right out, and he didn't look too happy. In fact, I think he was CRYING.

"Oh, I'm so alone..." the bus driver wailed, wobbling about. "I can't go on! I can't drive the bus today!"

With that, the bus driver collapsed onto the ground. Nick and Momoko looked at each other, shocked expressions on their faces.

(Footage: The title card appears on screen, with a composition book bearing the show logo. At the bottom of the composition book, there's a blank space. Just then, a pen can be seen writing the words "Surviving the Bus". The text is then replaced by the words "Directed by Izumi Todo".)

Episode 2: Nick's Survival Guide to The Bus

Nick and Momoko helped the bus driver to his feet. "Why can't you drive the bus?"

"My girlfriend left me... my life is OVER..."

This prompted Momoko to ask 'the question'. "Okay... so why ARE you driving the bus?"

The bus driver turned slightly cheerful. "To make extra money because I'm saving up for a car..."

He quickly began crying again. "...so I could drive my girlfriend around, who I don't have anymore..."

Nick tried his best to console the bus driver. "It's going to be okay... eventually... we'll talk about it... ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL!!"

Just then, the bus driver pulls out a photo. "Here's one of my favorite pictures of us..." He couldn't seem to stop crying. Nick quickly snatched the photo from the bus driver's hand.

"And if she were here, what would she want you to do?" Nick asked with a little _too_ much conviction.

"She'd... probably want me to stop calling..."

"NO!!" Nick shot back. "She'd want you to get these kids to school, and before Hazuki-chan gets there!"

"Really?"

Nick glanced at Momoko, who quickly responded with an "Um... yeah! Women LOVE men who get kids to school on time..."

With that, they were off. At a nearby bus stop, Doremi can be seen waiting, trying not to look at Kotake for some reason.

Just then, the bus zips by, completely ignoring Doremi and Kotake. The pink witch apprentice looks shocked.

"HEY! HEY!!! Get back here!! Seki-sensei's going to chew me out if I'm late again!!" Doremi shouted, but to no avail. The bus was long gone.

"Wait a minute! I can just catch them at the third stop!" Doremi exclaimed, rushing off. Kotake looked confused for a second before turning around.

"MOM!! I need a ride to school!!"

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Meanwhile, as the bus driver puts the pedal to the medal, Nick begins to address the audience.

"If you're not freaking out because you wrote a love note that you don't want a girl to read, the bus is a great place to get things done," Nick explains.

Momoko can be seen reading her science book as Nick continues his explanation. "Bus time is great homework time..."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 371.BT: Use bus time for forgotten-homework time.")

"...but not a great time to finish that Social Studies project," Nick finishes as we pan over to Aiko, who's trying her best to apply glue to her cardboard diorama without getting it all over herself. But just then, the bus driver swerves to the left, and Aiko's project collapses into pieces all over her.

"I tried to warn you, Ai-chan," Nick states.

"HEY! It's not my fault if dad didn't wake me up a half-hour earlier LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO!!!" Aiko exclaims.

We cut to Onpu, who's taking a nap. "You can also catch up on some sleep," Nick continues to explain. "Just be careful who you sit with."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 154.LBS: Look before you sleep.")

Just then, the SOS Trio appear nearby and spray shaving cream into Onpu's open hand. They bring out a feather and begin to tickle her nose, but Onpu stops them by subconsciously shoving the shaving cream into the faces of the SOS Trio and not her own. Onpu gives a soft giggle before resuming her snoring.

Momoko quickly notices something nearby. "Faymen's stop is next! Time to use 'the shift'."

Nick smiles before addressing the audience again. "When you want to protect a seat for someone, use 'the shift'."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 168.SPS: Use 'the shift' to protect your seat.")

"What you gotta do is sit on the aisle with your backpack next to the window. Then, when the time comes, the backpack goes to the floor, and you 'shift' to the window," Nick explains, Momoko following these instructions carefully.

"Thus opening a seat!" Nick exclaims, sitting by Momoko. She doesn't seem too pleased with this.

"For Faymen! Geez, Nick!" Momoko exclaims, shoving Nick right off camera.

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At the next stop, Momoko can be seen waiting for Faymen to come by, who has just gotten on the bus. Momoko sets her backpack down on the floor, as detailed by Nick's strategy, but her moment is quickly interrupted when an older girl grabs Faymen and forces him into that seat.

"Curse you, Noriko..." Momoko states under her breath. She quickly turns towards Nick. "You've gotta help me!"

Nick turns around, a look of determination on his face. "I have to get this bus moving, or Nick's going to lose a pretty girl," he replies, storming out of his seat.

Once the last few kids at the stop have gotten on, Nick quickly closes the door. "Bus stop over! GO, GO, GO!!!"

Unfortunately for Nick, he didn't seem to notice Doremi pounding on the windows of the bus. As the bus pulled away, the pink witch apprentice desperately screamed for her transport to stop, but to no avail.

"I can't be late for school again!! Seki-sensei's going to kill me!!" Doremi exclaimed, only to be run into by a long, two-seater bike, knocking her a few yards away. Doremi quickly noticed that the rider of said bike was none other than Kaori Shimakura, the school newspaper reporter.

"What are you doing here, Kaori-chan?" Doremi asked.

"Oh, this?" Kaori responded. "I ride my bike to school every day to stay in tip-top shape!!"

"But, wait..." Doremi stated, a glint in her eyes. "It's a bicycle... built for two!!"

"Well, yeah, I wanted to ride with Tamaki-san, but she says she's allergic to bike chairs and exercise."

"Listen, Kaori-chan, I need to get to school in the next fifteen minutes or Seki-sensei's going to give me another week's detention!!"

"Well, then, hop on!" Kaori exclaimed, handing Doremi a helmet. "We'll ride on the wind like it's half-past Sunday!!"

Apparently, Kaori spoke too soon, because at that precise moment, the bike fell down under their combined weight.

"Ouch," Doremi states to nobody in particular.

_(Eyecatch: Doremi can be seen wildly swinging her tennis racket, trying to deflect the many balls that are being flung at her. However, one eventually bonks her on the head, sending her into a crashing tailspin. Nick comes out from behind the ball machine, scratching his head in an embarrased way. Momoko suddenly appears and drags Nick off-camera. The Ojamajo Doremi School Survival Guidebook logo appears on the screen.)_

_Back to the bus..._

"You're doing great, Mr. Okamura!" Nick exclaims to the bus driver. "We're making great time!!"

Nick should have kept his mouth shut, because the nearby stoplight turned red and the bus screeched to a halt.

Quickly enough, the light turned green, but the bus driver kept staring at the picture of his girlfriend.

"The light's green! What are you waiting for?!" Nick exclaimed.

"I... I can't... my heart is broken... I'm too weak to go on..."

"Need energy!!" Nick stated, pulling out a sandwich half. "Here, DRIVE!!!"

"Is that tuna?" the bus driver asked. "It was my honey's favorite sandwich..."

"IT'S HAM!!" Nick exclaims, clearly impatient. "And... ham... cures broken hearts! Top scientists proved it!"

"I'm not supposed to eat while I drive. Bus driver's code."

"THEN EAT FAST!!"

Back to Momoko, she is staring at where Faymen is sitting with a look of scorn on her face. "Can you believe this?!"

"I know! I actually got it done!!" Aiko exclaimed, holding up her completed pyramid.

"I'm talking about Noriko!!" Momoko snapped back. "She stole my future man!!"

Onpu appeared, smiling a bit. "Well, you'd better act now. With looks like that, he's going to go fast."

Momoko smiled. "Which means... it's time to return his notebook."

Aiko looked confused for a second. "Where'd you get his notebook, Momo-chan?"

_A few days ago at Misora Junior High, Momoko can be seen prying Faymen's locker open with a crowbar and grabbing his notebook with a sultry smile on her face._

Shrugging Aiko off, Momoko walked up to Faymen. "Oh, hey, Faymen! I found this notebook in your locker!"

Momoko almost facefaulted. "Um... I mean... in the hallway BY your locker!! By the way... is this yours? Because it has your name on it, which made me think it was yours! Oh, boy..."

Back to the bus driver, he looks confident again.

"Ham really _does_ make everything better. Hold on!!"

With that, they shifted into high gear, the suddenness of the acceleration causing Momoko to stumble forward and accidentally throw Faymen's notebook out of the open window before tumbling out of sight. Aiko fell face first into her cardboard pyramid.

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_Back to Doremi and Kaori..._

"I can't believe we're actually going to get there early!!" Doremi exclaimed.

"YEAH!! Nothing can stop us now!!" Kaori exclaimed. Suddenly, they stopped, staring at what appeared to be a rummage sale. They couldn't help but state _"Garage sale..."_

Later on, Doremi and Kaori have assorted knickknacks strewn all over them.

"Now we'll get to school on time _with_ cool accessories!!" Kaori exclaimed.

"Okay, then... where'd you park the bike?" Doremi asked. Kaori pointed towards their ride, only to have it crushed by an incoming moving van.

Doremi gasped in shock, dropping her glass vase onto the ground. She quickly checked her watch: 7:15.

"RUN FOR IT!!!" Kaori exclaimed.

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"It looks like we're going to make it!!" Nick exclaimed, now sitting next to Momoko again. "Then, I can pull the note from Hazuki-chan's locker, and she won't fear my love!"

"Well, I accidentally threw Faymen's notebook out the window, but I'm going to find it, apologize to Faymen, and then throw Noriko out the window!!" Momoko exclaimed, getting up and heading for the bus door, but she's quickly stopped by the bus driver.

"Miss Momoko, you must stay in your seat when the bus is in motion. District rule," the driver states.

Nick takes this time to address the audience. "If you need to get closer to someone on the bus, use road bumps to disguise the classic 'seat hop'."

(Footage: A piece of paper on the screen says "Tip 649.USH: Use the 'seat hop' to move around the bus.")

Just then, as Momoko continued using the "seat hop", the bus jerks forward before coming to a complete stop.

"We've got a flat!!" the bus driver exclaimed.

As the bus driver checked out the problem, we can see the remains of Doremi's broken glass vase having punctured the tire.

"Who in the heck leaves a glass vase in the middle of the street?" the bus driver shouted, quite clearly angry.

"That's it..." Nick admitted. "My life is over..."

"Being late to school's going to kill ya?" the bus driver stated.

"No! I wrote this love letter to a girl I like, and I have to get it before she reads it..." Nick explained.

"Okay, just let it out," the bus driver stated.

"I... I wrote 'I love you'."

"What?!" the bus driver exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me? THAT'S why Shannon left me! Well, that, and I picked a wedding cake on our first date..."

"Well, it's too late for me to gain love," the bus driver continued, "but it's not too late to stop you from losing love! So it's time the wheels on this bus start TURNING!!!"

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We now cut back to Doremi and Kaori, who are clearly exhausted from their constant running.

"There's no way we're going to make it within five minutes!!" Doremi exclaimed, but Kaori saw a window of opportunity: roller skates.

"Let's roll," Kaori stated.

It was a final, all-out rush as both parties rushed to make it to school on time. In the end, the bus driver pulled up to Misora Junior High just in time for Nick to barge out of the bus, and for Doremi and Kaori to skate up. Momoko, meanwhile, had fallen upside down into Faymen's seat.

Once Nick had the door open, Doremi skated in just as the bell rang, only to crash into a gaggle of students, sending papers flying everywhere. "Ow..." Doremi squeaked.

Nick, however, had other things on his mind. Just as Hazuki opened her locker, Nick stormed up. "Oh, hey, Hazuki-chan!"

Suddenly, Nick pointed behind Hazuki. "GIANT LIZARD!!"

While Hazuki was distracted, Nick made his move, grabbing the note he'd written and stuffing it down his shirt.

"Oh, geez, I must be seeing things or something," Nick stated sheepishly. "Are we still on for lunch? Great. See you there!!"

Not wasting a single second, Nick was off.

"Okay..." was all Hazuki could say.

Once Nick was out of sight, he caught Momoko walking up. "Hey, Momoko. How was sitting with Faymen?"

"Let's just say he saw a different side of me today," was Momoko's simple reply. "Did you get the note?"

"BOOM!" Nick shot, handing the paper over to Momoko. But, Nick's grin quickly faded when Momoko stated...

"This is her math homework."

Before Nick could even respond, Doremi walked up beside Nick, wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm with stupid" and an arrow pointing towards Nick. "Like my new t-shirt, guys?" Doremi asked.

Momoko had to stifle a laugh. "It's fitting," she stated.

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(Ending sequence begins. Song is "Kimi no Soba De (Junior Players Version)" by Chiemi Chiba, Nami Miyahara, and Takeshi Kusao.)

(Footage: We see flashes of Nick, Doremi, and Momoko in various poses as the sequence begins.)

_My proud watch shines in pink  
__(Pinku ni kagayaku jiman no pokecchi)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are sitting together on the roof of Misora Junior High. The sun is setting and the wind is gently blowing.)

_When you are lost, toss a coin  
__(Mayoutta tokini wa koin tosu wo shite)_

(Footage: Nick looks at Momoko, letting his arm rest around her. Momoko smiles brightly. Suddenly, Doremi squeals and playfully tackles Nick, knocking him off camera. Momoko shakes her head.)

_I'm always looking straight ahead...  
__(Itsudemo massugu mae wo mitsumeteru)  
__I can become stronger, when I am at your side, I can become your strength.  
__(Tsuyoku nareru kimi no soba de chikara ni nareru)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko can be seen running at full speed down a nearby sidewalk on the way to the junior high. After a while, Doremi runs up and taps Nick on the shoulder, hearts in her eyes. Nick notices and starts running faster, passing by Momoko. Doremi quickly speeds up and follows Nick, leaving an exasperated Momoko to catch up.)

_Rather than saying "Do your best"...  
__("Ganbare" tte iuyori)  
__I want to tell you that "it's okay".  
__("Daijoubu" tte tsutaetai)_

(Footage: Nick and Momoko are sitting down at their desks in art class, drawing to their heart's content.)

_If you believe in your courage then Go, Go, GO!  
__(Shinjiru yuuki areba GO, GO, GO!)_

(Footage: Doremi is dragging Nick towards a poster on a nearby brick wall that says "TALENT CONTEST THIS SATURDAY!!" Apparently, she wants to sign up. During the "Go, Go, GO!" part of the song, Nick, Doremi, and Momoko jump into the sky, striking poses.)

_If it's with you, Yeah!  
__(Kimito nara Yeah!)_

(Footage: Nick gives a thumbs up, and then can be seen giving a high five to Momoko.)

_Together we'll Step!  
__(Isshoni STEP!)_

(Footage: Doremi winks at the camera, and then can be seen clonking Kotake on the head with her wand.)

_With a big Jump!  
__(Ookiku JUMP!)_

(Footage: Momoko gives a romantic wave, and then can be seen throwing a basketball towards the nearby basket.)

_Maybe you can fly there!  
__(Tobikoete yukeru darou)  
__I'm not afraid of any kind of mountain or valley...  
__(Donna yama mo donna tani mo kowaku naisa)_

(Footage: At the school talent show, Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are in a band, performing along with the song. Nick is singing, Doremi is playing drums, and Momoko is playing the guitar.)

_With everyone Yeah!  
__(Minna de Yeah!)_

(Footage: Nick gives a thumbs up, and then can be seen dodging around a confused Hazuki.)

_Together we'll Step!  
__(Isshoni STEP!)_

(Footage: Doremi winks at the camera, and then can be seen dragging a clearly angry Aiko away from a confused Leon. Wonder what that was all about?)

_For tomorrow we'll Jump!  
__(Ashita he JUMP!)_

(Footage: Momoko gives a romantic wave, and then can be seen rolling under a barricade during the school field day.)

_Feel the moment right now...  
__(Ima sugu syuunkan kanjite)  
__Let's run, Let's ride on the wind  
__(hashiri dasou kazeni notte)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko are running along the background of a beautiful rising sun behind an immense mountain.)

_Let's get stronger!  
__(Motto tsuyoku!!)_

(Footage: Nick, Doremi, and Momoko can be seen in a group hug with the entire Misora Junior High class watching as we fade out.)


End file.
